Homer SimpsonNow, I don’t think I need to preface this with the caveat that Homer is the perfect example of what NOT to do, and how NOT to live. I just couldn’t resist sharing some of his best quotes. These just make me laugh at how not to live. (I guess I would suggest that whatever Homer’s promoting, do the opposite!!)

So without further ado, I give you Homer:

You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

To alcohol! The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!

I want to share something with you the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, ‘Cover for me.’ Number two, ‘Oh, good idea, boss.’ Number three, ‘It was like that when I got here.’

Marge, you’re as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Stop aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. “Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else – and it hasn’t – it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you?

Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘you’re making a scene.’

The internet? Is that thing still around?

What is Mind? Doesn’t Matter… What is Matter? Never Mind…

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.

I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent…14% of people know that.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is – and it’s me.

I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.

All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.

That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!

If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.

‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?